A Devastation Amiss

Adumbrations

2011-12-07T10:09:00.002-05:00

Hidden messages to lie in our hands
Waiting for sunset to fall
Calling out sanity to rescue our souls
Forgiveness an answer to all

A heart that is torn between comfort and pain
Drawing out feelings and tagging on blame
He waits in the silence to hear her sweet words
Knowing that only he's causing this hurt

Wanting affairs to be cured of this cancer
Attempts are made futile in the wake of your storm
And you dig with intensity to vindicate this error
While your hands hold tightly to her withered form

But a shadow is only consequential to one
And will lead to your ultimate demise...

Camber

2011-11-07T18:38:00.000-05:00

No way
Her heart
Will bend
For another
The way
It had
For him

Disabled

2011-11-07T18:35:00.001-05:00

Reeling
Exhausted
Returning
From shame
Waiting it out
Accepting the pain
Her sole reminder
That life actually is

Doppelgänger

2011-11-07T18:23:00.002-05:00

Rest your hand on her shoulder-
Bend down,
Kneel at her feet,
Gaze into her hopeless, blank, solitary eyes.

Plead with her,
Find her voice,
Beg her to stand,
To continue on,
To find solace in the sun.

Rationalize with her,
"Life goes on-
Not all is lost!
Don't let yourself fall...
Jaded."

She doesn't move.
Barely stirred to a blink.

Hardly alive-
Her expression,
Her eyes,
Her body,
Dismissive in nature.

You stand

Defeated

Because today is the day
You walk away from yourself
Decimated and stricken

Frozen

In a rotting, wooden chair

July

2010-12-13T22:00:00.000-05:00

Its not great... but I just need some way to express myself, so we'll leave it at that.

I don’t know where he changed

And decided I meant nothing

Not even worth the friendship we once had

Every other girl in the world is worth his time and effort

But no-

I am “pining after him-

Its inappropriate”

Yeah…

Never mind the fact I am happily engaged

Getting ready for life with my best friend

Better a friend than you could ever try to be

If you had ever tried…

But still, I’m pining.

Apparently.

Then again, think it over

Maybe I’m not

Maybe I genuinely cherished our friendship

Genuinely cherished you as a human being

Maybe I genuinely just miss spending time with you

The one person whom I had shared everything with

Yeah, I sound lovesick-

But its not true

I mean, I guess it is-

I am lovesick, but not for you

Maturity is something you’ve always claimed

Held high in the air

Said here I stand

With the world under my feet

My life on track…

But where is that now?

Now that you’ve grown older?

Supposedly wiser?

Supposedly more loving

And caring

And kinder?

You only want this when its convenient for you

But the sad thing… yes, sad, but true…

Is I never waited for convenience with you

You’ll go on living

Exactly as I will

And you’ll never regret

The day you decided

That I was the least

Most unimportant

Piece of trash

You’ve ever laid eyes on

And I will go on

Living my life

Remembering the friend

regretting the love

rebuilding my trust…

and trying so hard

so very very hard

to never look back

or wish for a friend

that never would come

Vines

2010-07-25T23:55:00.000-04:00

Jealousy isn’t becoming of a person,

But what does he care?

Lock your doors, shut them tight,

But in the end- he is breaking in.

Kicking through walls, smashing in windows,

Destroying your every chance for survival.

He never rests.

So, prepare yourself-

Face him, armed.

When he breaks down your barriers,

Attack him full force,

Because trust me,

He will destroy every last fiber of who you are

And wreak havoc so masterfully

That it almost leaves lives beyond repair.

Sometimes he takes over for years,

Holding you hostage until somebody gives

Or until retirement has reached you at a bitter old age

To the Wayside

2010-07-10T04:42:00.001-04:00

I wish I could still call you a friend;

That the memories we had aren’t just left to the past

Meaning nothing

Just because we didn’t last…

Having grown to be best friends,

I believed that maybe, possibly,

You might for a moment think

That I am actually worth something-

I’m worth the time you have for everyone else;

I’m not just something you pass by without hesitation…

Such stupid notions to waste on your person.

Those moments we thought that word, forever,

Were pointless, worthless and left us living in denial.

Now I see you and know

That everything which happened

Was absolutely meaningless.

Deplorable

2010-06-24T01:58:00.001-04:00

Terrorstruck and full of demise,

She sees herself before his eyes-

Thirsty for more with a murderous gaze,

She's reminded of their previous days...

Hiding in corners, ‘round desks, under tables

Relying on others to stop and disable

The reign of rape, murder and lies-

The injustice committed between her thighs.

She sits vigilant in the dark of her room

Anticipating the horror that’s sure to resume-

For a mother won’t believe

Couldn’t possibly conceive…

That a son of her own

Couldn’t be left alone

To idly wait for an opportune time

To devastate her daughter…

Commit such a crime

Unmended

2010-05-28T00:42:00.003-04:00

She just wants to be known,

her heart, its desires,

its confusions,

frustrations,

hitches,

crossfires

but something has bound her,

chained her,

enslaved her

and nothing has once

been able to save her

she should be joyful,

her hope so secured

but no one can manage

to break down such doors

her Father has hidden,

left her in shadows

no place to go

without cobwebs and spiders

her mind has trapped her

left her for dead

for she can't line her heart

with the thoughts in her head

she knows she's protected

no one to harm her

loved,

adored,

blessed,

and honored

but the beats have moved on,

transpired against her

the joy she's once felt

is a cohort of fire

she feels like she's drowning

she cries in the night

because the One that can save her

has given up on this fight

alone in a way

that no man can fix

she's left on the street

with a heart made of brick

emotions and wills

have left her, unchallenged

no hope in sight,

left her abandoned

so on cold, damp grounds

her heart lies in wait

to see if her Father

will open His gate

Abandoned

2010-05-25T02:52:00.002-04:00

I've felt at a loss for what seems like years,

cause this God of mine

who heals all hopes and fears

has up and left me...

disappeared

I'm afraid I've done Him very wrong

and that my lifelong friend

is forever gone

I've dug and dug

to no avail

I've lost all hope

of finding air

My lungs are empty

My heart is lost

My life has stopped,

and where's my cross?

I've tried and tried

and failed again

my God, my Savior,

my Strength... my Friend...

Why have you forsaken me?

Why is it that you hide?

What can I do to set you free,

to reign in my life,

to rescue me?

Self-righteous

2010-05-25T02:49:00.002-04:00

Stretch my limbs to their extremes

My heart to heights unknown

Tear my flesh, piece by piece

Let the friendship go

Willing to break this precious frame

For selfish benefits of your own

Regard the pains I experience not,

Nourish this weed- let it grow

This solitude....

2009-06-12T01:32:00.003-04:00

It's nothing fancy, nothing that really rhymes or anything- its just something that I needed to get off my chest. Some parts might flow better than others, but I don't care about editing it.

Hunched against the wall,

Slouching- so defeated

Vitals still strong

No eye contact

No socializing

Lips remain sealed

Sights enamored by the ground

Just pure, solitary confinement

Everyone looks in, but past the actual mark

The corpse hanging from the rafters

The blood stains in the floorboards

The stench of death

Seeping from the frames

Never to be noticed

The soul in the corner

Terrified

Shattered

Cold

Alone

Yearning to be rescued

Daring not to hope

Remaining in the dark

Flinching from your touch

Shaking at your whisper

Say what you want

But you'll never get through....

This is the ultimate solitude

Abandon

2009-05-12T11:05:00.003-04:00

The dark overpowers

Barricades the day

Says to your soul

"There is absolutely

No way"

The world is ending

Without you to fight

Of course it will shroud

Each thought

With this night

So I'll

Close them

Seal them

Burn them

Steal them-

Because without them,

You have no hope

Lines

2009-05-12T11:03:00.001-04:00

Lining a page

Constricting my taste

Making my words

All out of place

Too much conformity

To appeal to this pen

No chance in hell

My hand will give in

These pages are blank

To fill with my words

My words alone

Slovenly

2009-04-25T02:24:00.002-04:00

To leave your heart a mangled mess,

Negligence of life at its finest.

Ignoring its pleas,

Pretending it hasn't

Knocked you down to your knees.

Dismiss the fact it has torn you apart,

Let it out for a breath of fresh air

Then quickly draw it in-

Before they stare.

Its:

Hideous,

Unkempt,

and most definitely in need

of:

Kindness,

Patience,

and a bit of TLC.

Though,

Behind the cage you keep it in,

Not a single soul is granted permission

to softly whisper a promise within-

to hold it,

Provide comfort,

Love,

or mercy...

But who can blame you,

When the only reason its broken,

Is because for an instance

You let it out only

to be

Trampled,

Tricked,

Teased

and Driven back

to its hands and knees.

Dear Life

2009-04-25T02:18:00.002-04:00

Holding on to a verse for dear life-

Don't let it slip through my fingers.

Dragging it along,

Wearing it down,

Never let it out of my sight

In fear that I may drown.

Its:

Torn,

Tattered,

Ripped

and Shattered

From the rugged terrain I rake it through.

It screams at me-

Let it go-

I'm sucking la vida from it...

Forcing it to:

My skin,

My heart-

all that's within.... me....

Holding on to this verse for dear life,

Hoping to God it saves me

A Better Time

2009-04-15T01:14:00.002-04:00

Tell me stories of these far off places

Bring us back into a better time

Take my hand and lead me onward

With your smile, stealing mine

Rescue me from the city in the countryside

Bring me picnics, soothe my cries

Show me life is truly what you make it

Keep me smiling for the rest of mine

With pain in these eyes,

Slip away into the night

No more dancing with the praising stars

No more love- we've lost this fight

I'm reminded of those far off places

I'm brought back to those better times

I look down at these calloused hands

Wishing that they weren't just mine

Back dirt roads and sleeping bags

Fireflies on the darkest nights

Hand in hand, we know we'll make it

Cause I'm yours, and you are mine-

Cause I'm yours and you are mine....

I was yours, in a better time

Comfort

2009-01-21T23:32:00.001-05:00

Lying down in the soft green grass,
The arms of the open field
Watching the sky and the stars as they pass,
Talking to God as I heal;
The warmth of His breath,
In the air -
On my face-
Is enough to remind me
I’m covered by grace.
Today may be rotten,
My thoughts all a-mess;
Motivation all gone,
No desire to dress-
But at the end of these nights,
In His comfortable arms,
I am ready for tomorrow
And all of its charms.

Ash

2008-10-10T15:35:00.002-04:00

The memories are driftwood that burns to the ground, turns to ash turned to mud by the rain or the tears that another has cried by the time I have lived- or say, died. I sort through the ash turned to mud by the tears to find no remains of the previous years to find no remains of my heart and my soul that have been poured into this ground in those previous years. After sorting and finding myself at a loss more tears are added to the ash turned to mud and the ash turned to mud is returned to the ground, returned to the trees that once made my driftwood to become another’s ashes turned into mud by the rain and the tears that others have cried.

Feign{t}

2008-08-13T01:54:00.001-04:00

Its opposite year in the land of She

A smile on her face is a frown in her soul

To laugh until she cries is a cry until she laughs

A twinkling eye is a light burning out

A nod of etiquette is a sprain in her neck

A fit of ecstasy is a breakdown of sorrow

She stands on her legs while she shutters on her knees

A thank you out loud is her soul begging, "please"

Brewing Hatred

2008-08-05T23:54:00.004-04:00

Love them, but don't like them

Nothing wrong with that

Anger builds a pot of hate

With searing eyes and boiling emotions

Secret ingredients for all to taste

Intriguing those who share the same fate

Love them, but don't like them

Though, if liking doesn't come easy

A reason better

Allow the flame to drink the potion

Remember though- just because the caldron overflows

Just because the toxic sentiment is left over

Does not mean it is to be used to get rid of that flame....

Who knows what darkness it was guarding the consumer from?

Incredulity

2008-08-04T18:30:00.003-04:00

To be able to set mine eyes upon the beauty the sun does expose,

Or to lie sheepishly in a bed I have not made, waiting for a shove out that heavy door?

To have the ability to live among the stars in such glorious heavens,

Or to stare out that window willing courage to grab hold, drag me to the roof and push me off that ledge?

To carry my feet through shades of deep green,

Or to sit in solid cement wishing I had the tenacity to trudge on through from the beginning?

To delicately interrupt the soothing flow of water with hands that have experienced the joy of climbing,

Or to stare on in allowing fear to fill my lungs praying that one day a strong gust of wind will throw off my balance and force me to fall in?

To be,

Or not to be?

Is that really the question- or is it much deeper than that?

Crushed

2008-08-03T23:55:00.002-04:00

Don't be a turtle on a log

floating through life,

choosing to take a dip

when the waters seem so alluring.

Being lazy and inactive

when Inconvenience rolls through each ripple,

hiding in the cattails when storms and heavy winds arise.

Don't be a turtle, a bump on a log-

because even a bump on a log can be crushed by a car.

How strong...

2008-06-30T00:43:00.002-04:00

I am talking to one of my best friends at the moment. He has so often told me just how strong he believes me to be... in fact, a lot of people tell me that I am strong. I have withstood many more things than people twice my age in the almost 20 years I have under my belt...

But, the question I so often ponder is, how strong am I really? Am I just living a facade, forcing myself to keep that smile on my face? Am I just really prideful- I don't want anyone to see how weak I really am?

Honestly, I think a lot of me is full of pride. I am proud of the fact that I am who I am. I have not fallen to so many things other people in my position have- and at the same time, what in the world is my problem? Should I really be looking down on them for 'failing'? Sorry, ADD kicking in... I'm trying to keep it on a short leash...

I am terrified. I am trying not to be. You know that lump in your throat you get and you just know you are going to cry? That lump in my throat I have come to realize, is not merely tears- it is every memory that either has been, is, or never will be. It is every emotion I refuse to permit myself to divulge in... it is everything I am and can possibly be afraid of.

I am not strong. God is strong... and I know He is the only reason I am going to keep making it...

sorry, all of that was really random....

The Moon

2008-06-27T10:15:00.002-04:00

I once wondered so very hard, on the moon outside my walls.

I wondered so hard on the moon, that it decided to pay me a visit inside my walls.

It was brilliant.

Life is a Bubble

2008-06-20T23:24:00.001-04:00

Swirled prisms
In a lucid prison
Secern the stories
Of a painted person

Twilit green
A gentle blue
Passionate red
Its central hues

Silvery grey
Charm the eyes
Diverts attention
Waxed with lies

Not just another guy...

2008-06-03T00:40:00.000-04:00

Please bear with me, it is late and my head hurts- but I couldn't sleep until I wrote this. It may be confusing, but I still have hopes that you might learn something from the muddied puddle below.

I was just thinking about someone I consider a really good friend. He has a big heart, he is very talented, he would just listen to me talk for hours or vice versa… he is a great guy. Though, those were not necessarily the things I was focusing on when I thought of him. What first came to mind was something that he associates himself with and upon thinking about it, I realized just how wrong he is. This one thing he links himself to is that he is “just another guy”. From what I can gather, he had good and still does have good intentions with a title like that. It is saying, “I am no better than anyone else, I am no more special or more useful- nor do I serve any service better than any other I know. I am just another guy.” He is humbling himself to bring further glory to the God that brought Him into this world. Though- the more I think about that, the more I just want to shake him and say, “you are so wrong- so wrong”. I understand the concept of lessening ourselves and making more of Christ- please, do not mistake my intentions in saying this. I am not saying that we are better than Christ, nor am I saying that we are to claim to having some magnificent secret that will reap us undeniably great rewards in heaven because “God likes me better”. I am saying that, yes, we are to lessen ourselves and make more of Christ but at the same time we need to realize that we are not “just another person”.

Think of it this way- as soon as our hearts have been exposed to the handiwork of the Holy Spirit (as soon as we have “officially”- though I hate using that term- become children of God) our Father sees us as His own- and when I say as His own, I mean He sees us as His son Jesus Christ. When He looks at us, He sees no sin, no blemish, no scars- He sees tremendous beauty that goes beyond anything we can imagine- and He looks at us with the eyes of a wonderful Lover. He looks upon us in awe because we are His and He sees the incredible beauty He has placed inside us. Being that He sees His son, we can conclude He does not see “just another guy” :). We all know that Jesus was most definitely not “just another guy”- He was our Savior! He IS our Savior! He played and still does and forever will play the most vital- if the only- role in our eternal lives.

I think that as Christians some of us get caught up in the “I am nothing” and forget that we have something to offer. Just as Jesus was able to come and humble Himself, we are to humble ourselves- that is widely known- BUT! to humble ones-self does not mean to lack or forget the fact that we have a purpose to fulfill- a purpose of our own that God specifically designated to each and every one of us- and we are so privileged to have such a task! If Jesus had just said, “I am just another guy” and forgotten His purpose- or laid it to rest because He was “unworthy” as a man (which we all know He is not unworthy, just bear with me please) then where in the world would we be today?

So, I guess in short I am trying to say, forget yourself- but don’t forget your purpose.

Just some truths I have been realizing lately...

2008-05-02T13:22:00.000-04:00

You can’t love your neighbors as yourself if you hate yourself. So, until you love yourself you cannot truly love your neighbor- cause if you think about it, if you hate yourself, you inadvertently hate your neighbor.

I know I have said it before, but I will say it again- it is nothing profound, and it is actually quite cliché- and if anyone knows me, then they know I seriously dislike cliché- but, I have come to realize that God truly is my best friend. I am misunderstood on so many levels, but I am okay with that because I know God understands me.

Surrendering to God does not mean handing our problems over to Him to fix because they don’t really need to be fixed because they are exactly how He planned them. It also does not mean letting go solely of our issues, but of every single thing in our life. Especially if something great has happened, because when you hand it over to Him there is the assurance that if things do not work out, it is because He has something better in store for you. Simply, it prevents us from blaming ourselves for things having gone wrong, and it prevents or lessens the amount of “what ifs” because we know that we were living as best we could in God’s will and that He knows what is best for us and will do what is best for us- no matter how badly it hurts.

Again, this is nothing new- but- beauty is so distorted today. What is beautiful? Who am I to say what is beautiful? I can express what is beautiful to me, but to someone else it could be “ugly”. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder; as children of Christ, aren’t we supposed to look at the world through His eyes, or do our best? If God sees worth in everything, if He sees everything as beautiful and if we are supposed to be like Christ (this includes every aspect of his life) then shouldn’t we try as well to see or find the beauty in everything- because even if we as human beings can’t see it, it is still there.

Stereotypes are ridiculous. I think I have done my best to accept a wide variety of people, not to be prideful, but anyone that knows me knows I am a floater- a social butterfly- I don’t have a specific group of friends. I know stereotyping is inevitable; I stereotype people who don’t step out of their comfort zone. You could fit under the “sweet girl/guy next door” stereotype- but what you don’t realize is that you fall under the category of a judgmental, snobby, prideful person when you don’t reach out. I am not claiming to be perfect, I know that I still do this even with the amount of different people I hang out with- but that doesn’t negate the fact the stereotypes are ridiculous.

I Wonder

2008-04-30T13:00:00.000-04:00

Apathy in these swollen eyes
In the tears fallen on the ground
Quivering lips to tell a lie
They speak without a sound

And they wonder why
And they ask you how
How did it come to this
How could you throw it all away

Why would you leave us here standin in the rain
Why would you leave us here assumptions full of pain
Why would you leave us here no answers for us to gain
Why would you leave us here- did you have no shame?

In their heart of hearts
They scream as loud as they can
In their heart of hearts
They imagine holding your hand
And in their heart of hearts
They wonder how this came to be
And in this heart of hearts
I want you to come back to me

And I wonder what you were thinking
When you made that last decision
Were you tryin to escape this hellish world
Were you tryin to ease your pain
Were you thinking at all of the lives you’d leave behind
Wondering
Wondering how
Asking why
Wondering if you planned on coming back
Or if you knew that you would die?

I am indeed in a relationship...

2008-04-19T14:32:00.000-04:00

I have come to realize over the last few months that I have someone very special in my life. Well, I guess I haven’t realized that he is special, rather I have discovered just how special he is to me. He is the most important thing to me- and though I have known him, I have not REALLY known him. I would not give my relationship up for anything else this world has to offer me. It is pretty sad that it has taken me as long as it has for me to see how much I appreciate him. Here are just a few things he has done for me:

He has opened my eyes to so many different forms of art.
He has spoken to me on various occasions- unfortunately, I do not always listen or pay attention and I feel bad for having taken his words for granted.
He has made me feel more special than any other man ever has in my entire life.
He has stood by my side, whether or not we were in a serious relationship.
He has helped me work through some really serious issues that I have been struggling with in my lifetime- and so far, he has made the most progress.
He accepted me for who I am- in fact, I believe he sought me out because he liked everything about me, flaws and all.
He has given me proof of where my worth comes from.
He has walked through theological conversations with me, and helped me to understand things I had previously not understood.
He has taught me that certain things are petty and not worth arguing over.
He always listens when I have something to say, though at times I am afraid to actually bring it up- even though I know he knows what is wrong.
He has shown me that every little detail about me is worth praise and that I am a beautiful person no matter what anyone says.
He has overall been absolutely wonderful to me.

I love his vulnerability with me, and I love that I can be vulnerable with him. So, yes, I am taken- forever and always. He has captured my heart and really gotten to know me, and has really shown me who he is. Obviously, being that I am taken- I will not be seeing anyone else, or be in a relationship with anyone else- this is exclusive. He is mine and I am his. Though, if you want to get to know me I am sure he won’t mind. Just know that I will be checking with him if you want to hang out, and that I don’t think he would approve of us hanging out one-on-one…. He is most definitely the jealous type- which is pretty cool. The fact that he wants me all to himself and no one else- the fact that he never wants me to leave his side… that is amazing to me!

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you my one and only- the one I find my comfort in- the one I lean on and the one I trust 100%.... My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. You should get to know Him- He is pretty awesome.

Who's it gonna be?

2008-04-18T16:01:00.003-04:00

I look around me

And the world is spinning

I try to stand

On these breaking legs of mine

Bewildered and panicked

I throw out my arms...

Eyes on the ground-

In confusion, I'm found...

Who's gonna catch me when I fall?

Who's gonna fill my hollow bones?

Who's gonna carry me to safety,

Instead of watching as I crawl?

I bury myself in the talents He gave me

An escape into my mind

A world of beauty

Imaginary

Unattainable

Merely a made up story....

How did I get here

And where have you gone?

Will you rescue me from Silence

And bring from darkness my dawn?

Will you rescue me

Will you save my life

Will you hold me up-

Stay by my side?

I look around me

And the world is spinning-

I can’t stand

On these broken legs of mine

A Weeping Willow

2008-04-16T01:59:00.000-04:00

A Weeping Willow shares the pain of the ragdoll-like body strewn on the grass below its arms. Its leaves tickle her delicate frame to no avail- not even the smallest giggle escapes her neutral lips. Peaceful as she may seem at the moment, the stains on her cheeks are evidence to any jury that she has been in pain; there has been no consolation for her tattered heart.

The lake nearby delivers the message of a bird in the night- pathetic, ghostly and matching the tone of her own emotions. Its shadow glides across the misty lake- head low, neck arced, feet slowly churning the water and hopelessness its own reflection. It is her soul in tangible form- it is a black beauty. Its feathers gleam in the moonlight. Many would say the beads of water contributed to the wonderful glow- but looking closer, they would see those beads were tears escaping the creases of its eyes. It calmly, serenely, and reluctantly contemplates itself in the depths of the melancholic lagoon- accompanied by a chorus of other dejected, ashamed, lonely souls whose songs echo from the surface of the water or are screaming- hidden in the safety of the forest so their identities are not so quickly revealed.

Just like the water emanates a false magnificence, so does her laughter in the daylight. Many would and do say, ‘Look at her smile- Look at her laugh- ah! How beautiful she is!’ Though, they do not look close enough to see the tears she hides behind that smile- they do not see her cry alone at night, or hear the song of her heart as it wades naked- exposed- on the lake.

As the moonlight transforms into the rays of the early dawn and the singing of the forlorn ends, the woman finally stirs. At first glance, it would appear that she moves of her own accord- commanding her legs to draw closer to her body, her hands to slide up the grass towards her hip, her back to move into an upright position, and her spine to hold her neck steady. While her body seemingly follows orders, her hair- full of leaves, moss and dirt- falls gently to the side. She stares into the light of a new day; her posture is weary, her face is despondent, and her eyes feign apathy. She pushes herself up off the ground after a few moments of blank consideration- the muted strength of her arms to aid her legs in their feeble attempts to defy gravity. Though, upon inspection, one would notice that she was not lifting herself. Rather, her body had attached to it, strings like that of a puppet. Each string held its own name- Responsibility, Approval, Modesty, and Contentment. These strings represented that which made her get up and move in the mornings- that which told her she could not lie down and waste her life away. Although these were good things to hold her up, keep her accountable, they were also dreadful things in that none of them were for her own sake- for her own sanity- for her own health; instead they were for everyone else that had a role in her life.

She was lead to a nearby waterfall with the sound of erosion calling out below- oddly enough, though it resonates with destruction, it is soothing still. As she neared it, she again paused. She closed her eyes, sighed deeply, and her lips curled ever so slightly as she reminded herself that everything was going to be okay- and at that moment, the strings were let loose. She dove, head first, into the warm water- allowing it to penetrate the deepest sanctions of her heart. She was cleansed through and through by the crystal clear bathwater. As she floated, her hair- released of debris, tidy and as fluid like as the water in which she found comfort- elegantly, gracefully, flirted with the beautiful features of her face. Arms relaxed around her, legs happily following suit, and eyes sparkling once again- her heart said three words, “Thanks again God”.

Happiness? I think not...

2008-04-14T11:13:00.001-04:00

Don’t give me a temporary feeling

Don’t give me a short lived smile

Don’t give me a laugh that lasts a short while

Don’t give my eyes a sparkle in the night,

But place the Son there instead

Don’t give me a dimple that will soon shy away,

Don’t put wrinkles under my eyes that are weak and fade

Don’t give me a crinkle in my nose which can be interpreted in two ways-

I want only one interpretation for those well-earned things!

Don’t give me a heart that frowns at each alternating pump

Don’t give me a heart of flesh just to turn it to stone

Don’t give me vocal chords to sing just to turn them inside out to cry

Don’t give me a giggle

Don’t give me a clap

Don’t let me worship with a temporary sincerity

Don’t give me friends

Don’t give me just “some” patience

Don’t give me any of these things and take them away

Don’t give me ANY of these things

All they do is make me happy

I don’t want happiness…

I want joy

Pure joy

Give me You

I want You

Purely You

Just a Few

2008-04-13T14:48:00.004-04:00

These are just some smaller poems from throughout the day... they really aren't great, but I wrote them for a reason- right? So, enjoy, dislike, whatever....

2/17/08

Looking around and seeing all the restless faces

The impatience of their souls- my soul-

In the wake of Christ's sweet freedom

The droning is endless, prior serenities feigned

Sniffle, cough, fidget and moan

The sounds of a holy place...

2/20/08

Immeasurable speed at which they fly

These thoughts that crowd my mind

The difficulty of concentration

A frustration to my person

He speaks and speaks, false doctrine forms his lips

From his mouth it bubbles and leaks-

Like the drool of a dog well-trained

No idea what he's saying, does he even think?

Does he think of the damage he causes

To the souls so fresh and new?

Or the upheaval of the hearts

older in age?

His words weed out the unstable-

the willingly wavering-

And the ones unsure

of their own words they boldly,

Yet cowardly speak...

3/10/08

Words, empty-

Not right

Leave me frazzled

My eyes wide open

Disbelief setting in

Palms to the sky

Empty-handed

And grasping

Flex my fingers-

Open

Shut

Open

Shut...

Turn them over-

Where did they go?

A Cinderella... A Lie

2008-04-11T12:14:00.001-04:00

Beautiful slippers-

‘Glass’, they say-

But you prefer satin.

Beautiful dress-

‘Expensive lace’, they say-

But you prefer silk.

Beautiful makeup-

‘Only the best’, they say-

But you prefer none.

Beautiful coach-

‘She came with the Queen’, they say-

But you prefer to walk.

Beautiful eyes-

‘A genuine deep blue’, they say-

But you prefer them to be plain.

So the slippers won’t glisten as they drop,

So the lace won’t change colors as it soaks them in,

So the makeup won’t run as they pour down your face,

So the queen couldn’t look on as they escaped,

So the people wouldn’t stare and take notice…

Take notice of the tears and ask you why

Take notice and know, you are no Cinderella-

Take notice and know you don’t get the happy ending promised.

Beautiful mask-

‘Intricate details’, they say-

And you are content with the distraction….

The Potter

2008-04-09T16:44:00.000-04:00

I felt like writing today, and I knew what it was that I wanted to say- but in my attempts to convey the thought process of my mind, the meaning changed. I flipped the page to begin something else, but it was not enough- I have been on a ‘poem binge’ if you will, but a poem right now is not fitting. It can be read into in so many different ways, so I decided to write a prose piece- not saying that it cannot be read into, rather it is more straightforward than most of my poems. But, before I share what it is that I would like, I will explain some things for those who have not worked with clay (trust me, it will make a lot of what I say easier to understand).

Kiln- basically an oven where the near-finished piece is fired

Fired- simply put, baking the clay- this hardens it and makes it ready to glaze or stain if wanted/ necessary

Glaze- pretty much different colors of paint made specifically for working with clay

Stain- basically the same thing as glaze, its just not in pretty colors :)

Wedging- folding and pressing the clay to get rid of any air pockets which could cause the piece to explode in the kiln

Wedging table- where the wedging is done :) basically any flat surface

Slip- really watered down clay that is used as an adherent/ “glue” to put many different pieces together

Score- the process of scraping/roughing up the surface of the pieces to be put together; is done before applying slip

Drying/leather stage- must be done before putting the piece into the kiln, but gradually. If it dries too fast, the piece will warp and crack… not pretty. During this stage you can still play with the clay such as using a sharp tool to draw/inscribe something or smooth out some areas- though this is possible, you must still be careful. Just because it is harder does not mean it is any less frail- if anything, it is more so because one mistake could shatter the whole thing.

Clay- ha ha just kidding ;)

So, here it is:

I have realized that I am a grain of sand- a simple enough realization, right? We are all just grains of sand- not just grains of sand on a beach, but we are embedded in a wall of clay (clay walls are fun by the way, :) especially after it has rained).

Yes, I know- here it comes, the story of the Potter and the Clay… but honestly, how many of us have really looked deeply into that story? As an artist (which everyone is in their own way, but that is what I have chosen as part of my profession) with an emphasis in sculpture, I can look at the story differently. Please understand that I am not saying no one else has seen it this way, like I said, this is something that I just now thought of; So, I am sharing in the hopes that maybe someone will read this and gain a new perspective.

Anyways, back to what I was saying. An artist chooses a section from a clay wall and cuts it out. Many grains of sand are hidden within that piece of clay, while many others lie exposed. He takes it back to his workshop and begins the process of creating a masterpiece.

He first wedges the piece. There is still clay on the wedging table from another work which begins to mix itself into the one at hand. When he is done wedging the piece, he lays it at his work station and then goes back to the wedging table. He scrapes up what he wants to use as slip and places it in a little bucket of water. The artist then goes back to his workstation, bucket in hand, ideas in mind and determination in heart. He pulls the stool, made of metal and wood, away from the table and proceeds to take a seat. He knows exactly what it is he wants to make and he knows the reasoning behind it- so, he gets to work.

He begins to draw his thumb precisely down one side of the clay, pinching another, cutting sections, drawing patterns around the edges and shaping it whichever way he chooses. Choosing which pieces to use (of the ones that had been cut and laid aside- and possibly some from different works) carefully was the next step. He then slips and scores each fragment, reuniting sections that stood out most strongly, and the piece is nearly finished. At last he lets it dry- he doesn’t forget it, but changes things while he waits. Although they could have been changed prior to this point, he chose to wait until the piece itself was actually prepared for certain changes. Frustrations, lulls, ragged areas, gorges which hold secret prints and fully exposed areas are evident in the final production. It is enticing, intriguing, and brags of a story only the artist is wholly familiar with.

Asking the artist, or embarking on the creation of a piece for one’s self, a person would find that the process is trying, aggravating, and many times infuriating. The one that is not an artist most likely gives up, writes the process off as useless, or focuses on the difficulties packaged in the material being worked with. The artist though? Joy still plagues him- accompanies him- throughout the whole journey! It is not just his mind that enjoys it- but every part of him embraces the experience of crafting the marvelous work. This is why even though it is distressing many times, he still finds it desirable- he focuses on the bliss rather than the struggles of it all.

He also does it because of the story it tells- he is proud of his pieces, even if others are not- he knows their importance. Not only that, but the piece points to the artist- and praise should be given to him for continuing to create despite the aggravations- he did not give up, throw it against the wall and forget it making its existence null and void. Not everyone will praise him, and though it hurts him, he is okay still- they are the ones missing out on the intentions, the chance to understand and partake in pleasure of his gift- his masterpiece- he has so willingly given the world. He did not need to create it, or present it to anyone, because he had the idea in his mind and that could suffice for anyone. Even though a mental picture could suffice, he did not find it pointless to make- rather he decided he wanted to share it with many… he wanted to. Even though he knew not everyone would understand it, and not everyone would see the reason he wanted to share, and that not everyone had artistic minds- he still shared it with everyone. He presented everyone the chance to see his work knowing that all would look at it, but not really see it. He could tell which ones would hate it immediately, those who would warm up to it eventually, and those who would love it as soon as they set eyes on it.

This is how I see my life. I am a grain of sand in one of God’s great masterpieces- my life. He specifically chose me from the wall of clay, and he chose others to be a part of his masterpiece that would be my life. From the wedging table, I get bits and pieces of history that will affect me- the way I appear to others and my perspective on life. Not only do I get this from the table, but the parts that most people would throw away- the leftovers- he puts to use. He uses them to put things together, he slips and scores pieces of my own history in a productive manner. If he chooses, he will leave some of my history on the wedging table to affect another piece- another life. Also, in the wedging process God is removing the emptiness from my life and putting it to use.

As that grain of sand, I was stuck- I could not leave on my own. I could do nothing but lie embedded in that wall- I could and cannot form my own piece because it is bigger than myself- much bigger than I can even see. Rearranging will be done, other grains of sand will come alongside me and either remain or be ushered to another area. Although they are moved, they are still a part of the work and their print will be permanent. Or, He will cut pieces from me entirely and either smooth those or certain parts over, leave the indentation where it is, or bring them back into my life only allowing certain parts to affect me more than others. Just as the artist changes things while the piece is drying, God changes me- even when I feel like there is nothing going on except for my faith ‘drying out’- in preparation for the kiln. He could have made changes in my life whenever He wanted to, but instead He waited until He knew I could handle the changes He wanted to make. He waited until I was stronger, until I was in a ‘leather stage’ for a specific change to happen. Yes, I was and am just as frail as any other piece in that stage, but at the same time I know He has a steady hand and would not make a change unless He was sure I could handle the pressure. He does this because he sees the whole- he knows what it will be and he knows what will make my life the best it can be. The process of watching my life unfold- shaping it- was not always easy for Him- in the sense that every cut He made did not only affect me, He felt it too- even so, he continued on instead of throwing my life against the wall and wiping it from existence. He did not have to or need to create me or fashion a life for me- but he wanted to. He wanted to share something through me with others, and I cannot take pride in that because I did not create my life or my person. All the glory must be given to Him- and I am more than happy to do so.

By the way, I do not see everyone just as pots- I think that God can and does make either or- some lives are like pots in that there may be some imperfections, but for the most part it is an easy steady life. But in my case, I do not see a normal pot- I see an abstract sculpture that holds my essence but it is not smooth. My life has jagged edges, dark spots that are either hard times or ‘dark secrets’ if you will, spots that I can’t even see where I know God’s fingerprint is evident but He hasn’t unveiled it to me, lulls where all seems to be alright and is… there are so many different twists and turns that stand out. I know that when my life is finished, it is going to look awesome- even if while in waiting for the end product I am cut and broken down, it will still be amazing and worth every bit of it.

I dunno- think about it… or don’t.

Devastation Amiss

2008-04-04T15:16:00.000-04:00

My days have faced the Opposition;
‘Faith for joy’ its proposition.
I know the pain of burning eyes,
For tears of acid I have cried.
I have been cut and beaten down,
Walked all over, pushed around;
On dirt I’ve glimpsed a hope anew,
To find its nature was not true-
Beauty of flowers held in vain,
Perfume of nectar soaked in pain.
Downhearted- lost- I ask, ‘God, why?’
His voice is gentle in reply:
‘Darling girl- I cherish you so,
And grief will only help you grow.
I know your pain, I feel it too
In doing what is best for you.
I promise you are not alone,
I’ve got your hand and won’t let go.
My young blue-eyed daughter- stand tall;
Trust my grip- my word- you won’t fall.”
Pick me up, brush the doubt away
Replaced with promise there to stay.
The cuts and bruises will remain
To give one hope in Jesus’ name.
To you who test in hopes it will-
Know my faith they'll never kill.
If I should die instead of wake,
Know my soul you cannot take.

Realization In Pulverization

2008-04-02T13:04:00.001-04:00

A dark, foreign room
Emotions blending into the shadows each corner embraces
Shivering, trembling, eyes darting and panicked
Fear of being discovered- forced out of hiding-
Ready to flee and find solace with the others at the hint of an intruder

Present in body, absent in mind, aware in the soul
Nervous, slender feet cautiously and meticulously place themselves to rest
Though, no amount of planning prevents the inevitable

Tips of toes like fingers all of a sudden become receptive and alert
They invite the mind back into the present and it goes to work

Slowly sink down, each knee slightly bent- one leg in front of the other
Nearly sitting on heels, using the balls of the feet (to be sure not to cover too much surface area)
Fingerpads on the ground awakening the senses, taking on the function of eyes-
Creating a picture for the mind from the nerves.

All of a sudden it says cold, wet, softness.
Then, fragile, decaying, many and hopeless.
It trickles from the appendages of the hand
While knowledge seeps into the veins…

Drop it.

Beating like mad, overwhelmed and flooded with adrenaline-
Shallow, staggered breaths match its pace-
Though, the body is paralyzed still.
For, to stand is to move is to give away a presence-
To give away the safety the dark offers.

Ironic- The Dark being a thing of comfort,
Rather than a lit up room where nothing can hide.

Lip quivers- but says do not cry- vision is already hindered by the eclipse of light.
Eyes burn in rebellion to the lips threatening to wage war-
To drown the words in a readied hurricane.

If only a corner- a shadow- were closer-
If only fumbling in a blinded night were not an issue…

No wonder the Emotions remained hidden in the obscure essence of this place-
Wished to be left alone and unnoticed in the tiny spaces.
For in that moment realization had settled in:
Though the cause of the atrocity was unknown, it existed nonetheless-

She had found herself fallen in a graveyard of broken, shattered hearts.

Just Venting

2008-03-30T15:48:00.003-04:00

So I was just sitting here thinking about today, yesterday, and every other day. No- I take that back- I am not sitting here thinking- I am moping like some pathetic child that has not gotten their way. I never knew that I was this bitter of a person about things, and I have come to realize it more and more. So many times people sit here and tell me they respect me for having dealt with the things that I have yet still remained with a 'good head on my shoulders'- but it's not true. I always that I have handled thigns fairly well and that I am a forgiving person- but I'm not. I'm impatient, I hold things against people but try to suppress it the best that I can- I never really tell anyone what I think about them or how I actually feel because I want them to be happy and I don't care so much about my own peace of mind that I will ruin theirs- I just put up with it. No one ever gets the full extent of the feelings that I have towards them- whether it be anger, happiness, disappointment or whatever- they will almost always walk away feeling as if all is right in the world of Tricia and whoever they are.

I am kind of appalled at myself because I never thought I would be like this- I have always tried my best to just be content and see that things could be worse than they are. I have always told myself that- but right now, I guess I don't care. I am upset and I don't care if anyone knows and I don't care if it could be worse- and I know that what I am upset about is so miniscule and is/should be just a blip on the radar- and one day it will be, but not right now.

I am tired of being let down by people. I am not saying I am the greatest person in the world, but I can say that I would do nearly anything for my friends and most of the time even for people I don't know but know are going through a hard time (not in a pridesul way, please understand that- or, at least I hope it isn't). I really don't like that people allow you to think one thing but actually intend something else in the whole process. They give you the false hope that one thing will inevitably be the outcome and then they end up knocking you off your feet- they let you know that what they said was actually never what they meant to happen. I don't like that people do walk all over me and I don't do anything about it. I don't like that I am mousy- I know a lot of people don't believe me when I say I am shy and insecure because of the way that I act- but I know me- I know that the entire time I am being loud and obnoxious that I am also thinking in the back of my mind, 'did I offend them? Did I say too much? Did I do something annoying?' and when they are quiet after I say something I always scold myself.... I am not as confident as many of you believe I am...

So, I know this is an abrupt ending but I can't formulate my thoughts and right now this really is just me venting, so- I am done for now.

Right?

2008-03-10T03:18:00.001-04:00

Wring your hands,

Bite your lip,

Stare at the floor in complete

Wonderment;

Or, stare at the floor- incomplete

And wondering.

Your heart races-

Don’t let it;

Open your eyes-

A N

S E

M I L

Everything is okay

Right?

S k I p,

J M

U P,

And P A

Giggle, laugh,

A D

A E

G L

A I

I N S M

Though, this time wider.

Look at your feet

Dig your toe in the ground

Don’t let it get to you-

Those stupid little things

Those completely,

Utterly ridiculous,

Petty little things

Lift your head

Plaster it on

That look

That happy little look

Because, everything is okay-

Right?

No need to worry

Things will fix themselves

Make those fists-

Those feisty little fists that say,

“You are STRONGER-

Better-

Wiser-

And more sure

Than ever”

(Defiance) (Defiance)

Your eyes

Heart of stubborn nature

Turn around and take it on

Because, no-

Everything

Not

Okay

But, it will be-

?thgiR

A Relationship Awry?

2008-02-28T01:11:00.001-05:00

If you want to be in a relationship-
If you want to experience a love like no other-
Prepare to also experience some of the worst
Pain and
Sufferings.
Along with
Tears that come each morning,
As sure as the sun rises
Though they may not be visible,
Your heart will feel them still,
Released into the veins,
A poison to exhaust but not kill.

Fatigue,
Confusion,
No sense of belonging-
Well, some, though it be small
And not always worth it-
For it be far better to hold to one in peace
Than try to hold both in chaos.
It will be agonizing at times,
But beauty and splendor to adore
Will also be presented.

Questions will flood your mind-
You will wonder why,
Why does so much upheaval have to be involved?
Especially when all you wanted was to pursue a life,
Notably worthy of the love you wanted,
And greedily grasped when revealed to you.

This love, this crazy, over-the-top love
Has proven to be the most painful love,
The most unexpectedly painful love you have ever experienced-
And this is before it is even fully unveiled!
No wonder it kills when fully exposed…

Though, it is the
Greatest sorrow and pain,
Sweetest tears to cry,
Most wonderful suffering,
Most satisfying confusion,
To ever experience…

To EVER experience

In the midst of all the angst,
All the turmoil,
All the storms-
You can’t help but smile proudly
And stand tall because you know-
You know you belong to Him
And you know that all of it means
You are accomplishing the task placed before you-
You are becoming more like Him in your sufferings.
It is the greatest treasure to ever lay your eyes on-
Your relationship with your Savior…

Break

2008-02-25T23:27:00.000-05:00

Fall to your knees
Hard
Fast
Absentmindedly
Let them break
Gravel and clay embed themselves
Never to depart, always to discomfort
Brace yourself
Palms to the ground
Nose as well
Tears to mix and mingle
With the exposed mud,
Just one more painful reminder...

Sit on your heels
Face to the sky
Streaks stain your face
Lips to endlessly quiver
None to touch them,
To say it will be alright
To lift your chin,
Kiss you goodnight,
Remind you that His love is inescapable

An exhasperated cry escapes
From your precious, trembling frame
Shoulders slunched
Spine is crunched
A warm embrace
You cannot find

The bricks are piled
Blockade is built
You couldn't walk away,
Stand
Even if you tried
Each heavier than the last
Harder
More pressing
More concerning to remove

Push them over?
Even that is impossible
So just bury your face
In your grubby, grimy hands
Tremors,
Shakes,
Sobs,
And thoughts
That none shall
Feel
See
Hear
Or know

None

The Floodgates

2008-02-20T14:08:00.001-05:00

She sits on the concrete blocks
Uncomfortable, though not new
Her gaze is fixed on the railing
Spontaneous bursts- the hope of stability
Trapped within the glares,
Each a product of lightning

A slow motion of her neck purposed to point her forward
In a searching, a waiting, an anticipating for tomorrow-
Which she was promised held laughter and great joy

Though instead her chin falls-
Embraced by her hands so broken and frail
Both of them beaten, bruised, scarred and mangled
From such toilsome weeding-
A gift from the Field of Life

As she rests and waits
The clouds roll in
Familiar to her human eye,
Then to her mind, through its door
Soon to pierce her feeble soul

One… forage a path for the following to come
Two… the follow-up impression of the previous
Fully charged, though not much bigger, but destructive nonetheless
Three- that one stung with a pain seemingly impossible
For one so pitiful and small
Pour- and the floods begin to chase her
Inescapable
Roaring
And devouring to every savior that whispers in her ear

No umbrella to shield her
From the onset of attacks,
Not even a vessel to take her from the pain
To a higher ground-
A safer place

So, she sits resiliently through the storms-
Resembling much her life
The words
The lies
The broken promises
And the tears
Which etch themselves into her utmost being
No stain remover for the pink and swollen flesh that make up her face
No medical relief for this pain in her heart
No swiping clean the hard drive of her mind

False illusions pass by
Mocking
Pointing fingers
And adding to her misery

How silly of her to hope…

The lightning strikes closer by
The thunder an eternal roar
She covers her ears, pressing hard and closing her eyes
She hums a tune- familiar and full of truths
The message, “He loves you”- warmth to her frozen soul

The storm now passing, with her tears among the rain
She removes her hands, turns to the right, and fixes her eyes
To gaze once more at the railing which forever remains

Captives

2008-02-18T17:32:00.001-05:00

A frigid, desolate room
In its palm, her sweet figure
So many memories crowded around
Manifesting themselves in the materialistic
An out of reach corner her only comfort

She stares at all that has been
Wondering why- wondering when
Why, when she had the most support,
Did she have to feel alone?

They trickle, chip and fade from the walls
To be replaced by human hands
Each so delicate- some faded, some new
Even the most frail never to be forgotten

All these worthless items let run the Stream of Angst
The dam breaks more with each littered item
The undercurrent jolts her, sucks her in
To see, taste, feel, smell and hear those times long gone

The windows though barren, hold her most precious secrets
Or, the ones that have tried escape
They have been caught in reflection-
Made to turn away

The walls her keepers, her masters and enslavers
Are also her saviors, her comforts and guardians of her being
In entirety
She cries, laughs, lives and dies
Behind the walls each day

Her muffled sounds and emotions are held captive in rusty shackles
Screaming, groping, and clawing at the door
Desperately reaching for the outside world
Not knowing their attempts were in vain

As the door opens, they try to flee
But she gropes for them, frantically grabs at them
Only to shove them back into her heart-
A temporary holding cell

There they will wait, restless to her soul
For the time to come
When she permanently enslaves them
To the vacant pages of a little black book

My Heart

2008-02-08T00:59:00.000-05:00

My Heart

My heart waits in the dark of a box
Cramped
Wanting
Bleeding
And in repair
The box once beautifully lined in velvet
Has become
Mildewed
Warped
And full of splinters
The comfort once there
has long since decayed
Each bruise
Cut
Puncture
And scar
Holds a story of its own
That anticipates the day-
the time
to break free of its entrapment
Soft footsteps,
muffled
and long
are heard through the slits
Once complete
My heart moves ever so slightly
with great caution
For each motion of before
excited and naive
Had left it in so frail a state
A tap
then a knock
My heart leaps!
A knight!
A savior!
A comforter!
then- silence
followed by tears,
pain
disappointment
And angst
Whoever it was-
they didn't even try to be heroic-
they didn't even try
Not one will burden themselves
To break the barriers that hold my heart captive
The lesson, it hadn't learned-
Though, it was still trying
My heart waits in the dark of a box
For the one worthy to break it free
My heart- it waits... in the dark of a box
cramped
wanting
bleeding
and in repair

suffocating
hoping
crying
and still-
in repair

Impacted and still aware

2008-02-04T14:30:00.000-05:00

She stares out the window, her forehead barely kissing the cold hard glass- she shivers. The air conditioning had chilled her bones just as well. Her arm rests beneath her head. The fields are a beautiful luscious green- but she hardly notices. The trees are vibrant and wave at her, begging her to come play- she looks past them still. She looks beyond the fields and the trees- her gaze is focused on the stones and wooden markers- each with-holding a secret cry of anguish. A pain crunches her heart- her teeth clench and the lump in her throat swells. The once sparkling eyes are now emotionless- better to be cold and numb than to let the memories well up in the form of tears.
He is there she thinks to herself- covered in dirt and unable to breath. It had been a few months since his passing, but it still felt like yesterday. Many times she turned around expecting him to be the one turning a corner, opening the door or making the humorous comment. She would laugh at things that she knew he would enjoy, but- she had to continue to remind herself- he wasn’t there.
So often she would wake in the morning with a false hope. Dreams- they are pleasant and give us something dear which we thought to have the inability to be grasped. Though, these dreams turned into living nightmares each time she awoke- each time she checked the room that supposedly held him, not just his memory but his physical being and everything he was. Each time she barricaded down those stairs expecting to find that half-hidden smile he so often tried to suppress, she was disappointed yet again. Nightmares are not supposed to be a reality- they come in your sleep and go as you wake. They are not supposed to follow into reality and intertwine them into the everyday… they are to be easily forgotten and escapable. So, why couldn’t she escape this one?
The memory of that day was as inescapable as the nightmare- for everyday she was reminded as the car drove down the main road. It gave just enough of a glimpse to those driving by to open an entire album of shared moments that had run out of pages and been forced shut. Every now and then a picture would slip through the seams and hand her the gift of a memory- a gift and a curse.
Today she was reminded of the time he nearly fell into the pool. They were opening it for the summer and a brick which had been holding the cover secure had plopped itself right into the stale winter water- the green abyss. He reached for it- lost his balance and began to fall.
A smile forms on her face and she lets out an abrupt chuckle.
She remembered grabbing him, and quite possibly the loop that was void of a belt- she felt like a hero that day. Younger, smaller, weaker- yet her fear of seeing him trapped in the black vinyl had thrust strength into her hand, arms and entire body. Her balance was not thrown off and she managed to pull him just enough to help him regain his so that he could again kneel on the cement.
Push it away- shake it off- get a grip on reality- stop being childish- he is gone and that is that. She forced herself to look forward to the never ending road.
Goodbye she whispers to him.

Goodbye he sent back.

So, you want to know me

2008-02-01T14:11:00.000-05:00

So you want to know me

I am a single body comprised not of cells
But of underlying scars
Scars beneath a surface of feigned beauty
Feigned awareness and self- control
I am a constant struggle
A struggle against many odds
Many harsh winters
Winters that leave me frostbitten
Black
Dead
Numb
Ugly and bruised
Bruised by the many tumbles down
Down spiral staircases which have no end
No end and a consistent pattern
A pattern with the elements of the earth
Pebbles
Stones
Boulders
Sticks and rods that wail at each opportunity
Each opportunity I get to stand and attempt to fight
An attempt that only slows down yet fails to stop them
Stop the mangled mess of a life I live- or don’t
I am a feeble child with the bowed legs of an infant
With a spine that is crooked and pained
Pained from the curves that won’t straighten
That won’t allow for sturdiness
That mock each idiotic movement towards uprightness
I am gravity- not just held within its confines, but gravity itself
Gravity which cannot defy itself here on this earth
Factually bringing that which goes up- down
I am a virus- a plague- a cancer
A cancer that is seemingly incurable
Incurable though it does not kill- it is cruel
Cruel and keeps you alive for eternity-
Cruel, inescapable and heartbreaking

I am all these things- a hopeless case
I am all these things- I am
But- He is not…

Really long, fyi

2008-01-24T16:48:00.000-05:00

So, let me share something with you. I am going to take a step and be a little vulnerable with y’all, and to some of you this may not seem like a big deal- but it is to me. Something I have struggled hardcore with my entire life is the concept of love. I struggle more with being loved than I do loving others. God has blessed me tremendously by giving me a loving heart rather than one that fills itself to the brim with hatred. I say He blessed me because, I have had so many chances in my lifetime to hate people- not just hate, which is strong enough in itself- but a hate with a passion beyond words. So many times have I been put into circumstances and been hurt in so many different ways that I know I would not be who I am if it were not for God and the love He has instilled in me.

I personally struggle with the concept of being loved because I have been let down so many times by those who say they love me. My view on love is so distorted because it always seemed as if the only way I would be loved is if I did things for people- if I did something worth making another proud of knowing me. One person in particular has literally pureed my heart through innumerable accounts of verbal abuse. One day I was good enough- worthy of love- the next, I was as worthless as the bag of garbage that sits in the garage waiting to be taken away to some obscure place that no one thinks of. Day after day it was a constant guessing game- it was a constant walking on shells, unsure of how many I would break each day. They tallied all my wrongs- continued to throw them in my face- made sure I never forgot how big of a failure I was in so many aspects of my life. They made sure I knew how big of a liar, a cheat, a spoiled brat, a fake- and how selfish I was. Many times I listened to this person tell me that they didn’t love me- no one ever would. I do remember good things from this person, don’t get me wrong- but half of me wonders how much of it was true, and how much of it was just part of the game they played to manipulate others.

I know I have done my fair share of wrongdoings. I know I was a rebellious teenager that put my family through hell many times- I know that I was selfish more times than I can count. I know I was fake, I lied, I copped out on so many of my own responsibilities- and I own up to it. I know I did wrong- and I know I am unworthy of love. I am human- and no human deserves anything because we are all sinners. But at the same time- no one deserves to ever be told those things, or if they are called out- it should be done in a loving manner. It should never be done to kill someone’s spirit- to “place a brick” on who they are as a friend of mine would say.

Why am I sharing this? Because, these last few weeks it has been a bigger struggle than it ever has been. My relationship with God took a blow at a point in the last four weeks, and I have been trying to re-establish what I had. I know I am most unworthy of God’s love, and I have felt that there was something I did in the last month that was causing Him to hide Himself from me. My relationship with Him has been distant, and as I was telling another friend of mine the other night- I felt like, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how far I reached or how much I struggled and yearned to have Him close, I was not getting Him. My hands would reach- but they would miss Him by what seemed like inches. I would get close- and all of a sudden, He was gone again. It felt like I was the cat that goes after the string- we taunt them- hold it in front of their faces and then pull it away at the last second eventually leading them into something we would call boredom (who knows if animals really get bored, but that’s besides the point).

It bothered me so much because, I was constantly praying- constantly asking God to reveal Himself to me again- wondering, what had I done to cause Him to be so ashamed of me that He didn’t love me anymore? What had I done that made Him want to hide away and not use me the way He had been in the last 6 months? What had I done that was making it so difficult to grow closer to Him?

Today I came back from classes and I was talking to the person I had been praying with the other night about these things. I told them that I felt like something was moving, but it still wasn’t as strong as I wanted it to be. She asked if I had a moment, and then read a passage to me. The passage was John 15: 9-17. Jesus is talking about the love He has for us- and that if we remain in Him, if we are obedient to His commands, then we will continue to remain in His love. Please note, this does not mean that if we are disobedient we are going to lose our salvation and go to hell- that would make our faith based on works rather than a loving God who chose to save us. Rather, it is- if we are obedient, if we listen to Him- the love He has for us will only be more clear- the joy that He offers to us will be so much more abundant because we are doing what pleases Him. Just as a parent rejoices over their child when they have been obedient, so God does with us. But, when a child is disobedient, their parents are let down- disappointed- unhappy- but they never (or, they never should) stop loving their child. Just because the child is loved though, doesn’t mean that they are going to be happy- because honestly, who is happy in the presence of someone they are letting down?

The passage goes on to say that we are not of the world, and that we will be hated by the world. Jesus was hated first, so of course, if we are to be like Him- we also will be hated. We as Christians are not supposed to fit in- we are not supposed to feel wanted by the world because of the fact that we have been set apart (please don’t take that as something to be prideful or pompous about, for we are all still sinners). We have the responsibility to be obedient to what it is God is calling us to- and if we ignore His calling and His commands, we are being no better than the world.

What I have realized in the last few days is two things-first: I didn’t let God down; it was just that this isn’t my season to be doing as much as I did in the beginning of the semester. I do know that I have been disobedient in the sense that, I do not like sitting around doing nothing- I want to be in the frontline, getting things done, organizing things- and I didn’t want to wait for God to say it was my time. I tried doing things on my own instead of being patient and realizing that, I didn’t need to do anything to earn God’s love- He never stopped loving me. Just because He wasn’t revealing Himself to me the way He was first semester, doesn’t mean I necessarily did something to make Him ashamed of me. I realize that what He was and is doing is telling me to be patient- wait for Him to use me again instead of trying to push ahead of Him- He knows best.

I know He wants me to be patient- and the one way I know is because, whenever I am struggling with things, if I do listen- if I do my devotions (which I haven’t done since November) He is always quick to answer. Today I decided to pick up my devotional and the first part of it was talking about patience and encouraging others to be patient in the Lord, and waiting for Him to reveal Himself in His own time. It was a general command, meaning that it was to everyone (the devotional is Bible verses compiled, or passages slightly summarized) he was speaking to- not just one specific person. Then- He was blunt with ME. The last sentences on the page were completely set apart from the rest and stood out like a sore thumb. The first sentence said- “You also be patient.” Not you as in you all- but you specifically. Before that it says “He who also calls you is faithful, who also will do it”.

The second thing I realized is that my sense of not belonging, inadequacies, being unloved are all okay- because that which I have been seeking acceptance from is the people of this world. Not Christians– but even then I should not look for their acceptance and base my self worth off of it- but people who do not believe and do hate the name of Jesus because their eyes, ears and hearts have not been opened. I am not meant to belong, I am meant to stick out like a lush, green, healthy tree in the middle of the hottest, most desolate desert.

So, in conclusion- God does not stop loving us, we all just have certain season for something and we can’t be so impatient that we try to take the steps without Him- He will be faithful to complete what it is He has started. It is not us- rather, it is all Him, and if He so chooses us to be a part of that- then what a blessing it is. Lastly, we are not meant to fit in- don’t wait for the approval of others- the only approval that matters is God’s.

Don't necessarily need to read

2008-01-17T03:06:00.000-05:00

So, these last few days have been stressful, to say the least. I have been struggling with a lot, not just homework but many other things as well. I would rather not go into discussion about them on facebook because it is so impersonal, so ask me in person and we will see if I want to give an answer. Tonight I was having a discussion with an absolutely amazing person. We have both been going through the same thing to an extent, and seem to be struggling with the same things (sorry to be vague). We were talking about how we pray that God would just relieve us of the stress and the doubts and unsteadiness that has become a part of our daily routine (or, at least mine) especially as of recent. Though, as we were talking about this it dawned on us- it is better in some senses to be in a stressful spot. When we are there, we cannot rely on ourselves- we need to learn to rely on the fact that God will pull us through and that our strength alone cannot fix things. He grants us the capacity to overcome things, not necessarily if we want it badly enough- I can promise I want very much so to be able to defeat my demons so to speak- but when the time is right and when we have learned to fully rely on Him to pull us through. Maybe, dare I say, that it may not even be when we learn to fully rely on Him, rather He will take those things from us when He knows is the best and right time for us. I realized I would actually be afraid if He decided to grant me peace on the many subjects which are just squirming their ways into my life to make it hell. Now, why in the world would I be afraid of that, you might ask. It is because I never want to forget the things that the Lord does for me on a daily basis- and when all is well, I do forget the pains and the heartache that comes along with life and I hardly give notice to God, and I hate that more than anything. I know I have written about the topic of sorrow before, but I don’t think that what I am feeling is sorrow- it more of an emptiness I think than anything. It is also a sense of failure to the people I love, the people I wish would love me back for me, and the people I said I would always be there for but have not been able to do so. I feel like a fake half the time, and I could go on but I don’t think I could cover everything in one note.

I know I am jumping all over the place, and I am doing a horrible job of expressing myself right now- but a million thoughts are fighting for precedence in this silly mind of mine. I know I am also not being able to fully express how it is that I am feeling- which sucks, but meh… right?

Well, thanks for reading if you did, and again as I have stated before- please note I am not seeking pity- it is not my “thing” and it annoys me more than anything.

Child Soldiers

2008-01-01T14:44:00.000-05:00

The cry of the children weighs down on my heart
Each tear that is shed for a member that parts
Each shot they are forced or willing to take
Leaves guilt, pain and suffering to lie in their wake

Most abandoned, killed or stoned on sight
Harsh glassy judgment- jawbones held tight
An innocence each frail body should hold
Has been lost in a war started decades ago

“Strength, courage and might are we”
Is taught to the children who think they are free
The generals stand at the sidelines- look on
In hopes that their red-eyed combatants are pawned

“The Lord is willing and Mighty to Save
For the youth who are faithful, proud and brave
Who do as they’re told and don’t run away
Not a bullet can penetrate- a machete betray

Some oil, a blessing, forget not your prayer
Go into battle and your life will be spared”
The hopes, promises, and missions are lies
Though they still hold fast as each soldier dies

Do not ignore the plight of the least of these
For you will eventually be brought down to your knees
They will continue to perish under false pretenses
As you sit nice and comfy behind white picket fences

The war will not end if we hide our faces in our hands
But the blood of the children will be drunk by the lands
The Lord, their cries and our moral duties implore
That we do what we can to end the unnecessary war

“Go out and take care of them- my children are they
Though they live in a country much farther away
I have given you knowledge, wisdom and power
To warmly embrace the ones who now cower”

I wrote this to raise awareness of the atrocities being performed by the LRA in Northern Uganda. Though this is written specifically about them- these children are not the only ones being oppressed in such ways- this happens all over the globe. Please thoughtfully consider it and do what you can to raise awareness.

The Ribbon

2007-12-29T19:19:00.000-05:00

the things you can concoct when you are undeniably beyond boredom... yes... it is possible

I shall tell you a story :)

Once upon a time there was a ribbon. The ribbon lived on a fragrant evergreen within the living room of a family that liked crabcakes. This ribbon was not very special- in fact, it looked down at the other ribbons that had found their places on the lingering presents beneath the tree. Those ribbons will eventually find their way to a home in some child's room, and depending on the child it's new uses would be varied.

The ribbon on the tree though? It will only be used for the tree- it will be packaged away each year until it can again one day take its place on a new evergreen.

A thought then began to formulate in the same way that the strands of a ribbon come together that allow it to take shape. The ribbon all of a sudden became very pompous and thought, "Why am I sad? I am more beautiful than all these other ribbons I see! Also, they chose ME to be the life of the evergreen each year. I get to experience Christmas with them each year- I get to see the family as they grow! I am much more important than these other ribbons!".

So, as promised, those other ribbons found their new homes, or persons while the ribbon on the tree was packed away for another year. As the year went by, each of the other ribbons were put to use in their various ways. A little girl used her ribbon to take her away to a far off place. She became a princess whenever she applied the delicate sliver of silk in her hair. As she twirled, the ribbon entwined itself into her giggles and laughter- as well as her imaginative adventures.

A little boy, being the mischevious little devil he is, used his twine (for that was what his parents had used to wrap his presents) to strangle the Barbie dolls of his younger sister. He did all this while she whined and cried in the corner (she would tell on her brother, but at the moment she is in mere shock). It became his partner in crime- his second in command. It got dirty as he used it to drag things into his tree house- and it accumulated fur from the neighbors cat he constantly tried to leash.

One found it's way into a black garbage bag that attempted to suffocate it's beauty. It was thrown into a garbage dump where a homeless person found it while rummaging through the heap. That homeless person took it to hold onto as the only beauty they had left in their life. The ribbon became their companion- their comfort, their silver lining that offered a promise of a better life in the future. The ribbon shared the same hardships as the homeless person. It went through the same wear and tear as the person- a tangible representation of their life.

The ribbon from the tree? It got packed away in a box-stored in the musky basement on a shelf. A mouse infiltrated the box and nibbled at parts of the ribbon. Dust settled on the box, moisture found its way into the pores of the cardboard and eventually mildew began to form. When the next Christmas came around, the box was opened and the person that opened it discarded the ribbon into a pile of junk that just so happened to be thrown into a burn pit.

The elegant, gold, intrinsic ribbon turned to ash- and was obviously used no more.

I originally started to tell this story as a joke, it was supposed to be funny- but it aspired to be more I suppose. :) So, I would tell you the moral- but you decide that yourself... have fun ;)... or not -_` <--- face with a raised eyebrow btw

Have the Courage to Stand

2007-12-01T02:15:00.000-05:00

The dark, lonely room holds a figure so dear, and that figure- she holds in her hands her heart. Pain, heaviness, and emptiness- they all reside there as well. She kneels on the hard, uninviting floor which threatens to scar her all the more. It is unstable, full of rusty nails and splinters that are inescapable- just as inescapable as the unmerited sorrow that creeps up on her as a demon in the night- ever-hindering the security she longs to feel. Her weeping echoes throughout the room; even if she wanted to escape the horrific cries, she couldn’t.

A door on one side of the room begs to be opened, yet the bolts mock her each time she tries. Neither offers a hope nor whisper to her a secret of a hidden key- her only resources of escape are the double-plated windows. So- she cries.

She wants to escape this hell, this torment, this solitary confinement that has mercilessly enticed her with false pretenses. She remembers back to the hall- it was so beautifully decorated and laden with trinkets that called ad yearned to be adorned. Each fine table offered something even more spectacular than the last, each one leading her further along the hall. Never was there anything that warned her to turn back. Finally, she looked up and saw the door- it was trimmed in gold and had ornate carvings in it. It wooed her, slowly and deceitfully crooned to her the extravagance which just might lie beyond the door- never was it a promise, it was a risk she had to take. She thought nothing of turning around. Her curious, inquisitive nature would not allow for it. She remembers opening the door- the knob was warm and delighted to turn for her. The door- it nearly seemed to open itself for her, as if it had been eagerly anticipating her arrival and was now excited to lure her in. She stepped into the room- which at first sparkled, but only from the light that escaped the hallway- or more, the light was sucked in as well. As she reached for a light switch of sorts, she explored the wall with her hand, allowing the other to slide gracefully off the knob- as she did so, it slammed shut and sealed her in with a lie that it would be forever (though she had not discovered it yet).

This dark place held no hope of life and each day the fingers of despair seem to tease her toes- they tickle her feet in an effort to send chills up her spine. Shadows dance around her head, each hiding a true form- each transforming never to show their true identity. For how can one defeat something they know not of? How can one be given the ability to defeat a foe that is cowardly and shows its face not? So, they torment her- allowing her to believe she has figured them out, only to change form once again.

They are her insecurities- her constant failures and her disappointment to the world, to herself… to God.

Each hisses to her saying, “you are not good enough” “you shall never find a way” “not one soul will search you out, not one will be willing to knock down these walls”. A never ending chorus of scorn, cruel laughter, sniggering, cackling and whispered words- these are her company.

These are her company until she finds the courage to stand up, trod over the rusty nails, the unstable floor and receive the many splinters that will lodge themselves into the soft curves of her feet. She must find the courage to break through those windows- in whatever way she can- she must do so in order to shed light to the shadows- to draw them out. No corner will be darkened- no hiding place for the crooks of the night- each will be forced, called out and must answer. No shadow- no lie- no insecurity will have the ability to change it’s shape, for it can no longer hide within the darkness which it strives.

Is the pain not worth it? Is the fight and the bleeding- are the scars and the splinters not worth the final victory that is sure to come in the end?

Until she has the courage to stand and find out- she will not know. Until she discovers the lies that exist-the darkness will continue to engulf her and she will never see how the sorrow she feels has no merit.

Until then.

The Battle

2007-11-28T15:55:00.000-05:00

The battle's not yet over

It has only just begun

and when the end arrives;

at last you will have won

fight the good fight... dont let them stand in your way

fight the good fight... cant take your soul away

dont let them win; tear your down

let them win; tear me down

its the darkest right before sunrise....

Ode to You

2007-11-27T18:05:00.000-05:00

A beautiful sunrise complete with a fiery, passionate orange
Over a lush, green mountaintop- that is his personality
The warmth it offers thaws a cold heart after a harsh winter’s storm
His smile- intriguing, inviting, captivating and more than welcome
Never fade
His presence leaves me as joyous and playful as the wind leaves the grass in an open field dancing, in awe- striving to reach out and grab it
Left yearning for its return
Not a knight in shining armor- but a companion in humble clothing
That he is

ha ha ha lol if you want, you can pretend it was serious ;)--- I wrote this for a friend, but it can actually apply for others ;)

Suffering

2007-10-23T11:11:00.000-04:00

People always ask 'why me?', 'why is there so much crap in this world?', 'if there really is a God, why does He allow so much suffering?'

How can we ask Jesus to die and bear the pain of EVERY sin that ever has been, and still is to be committed without greeting the pains of the world with a heart that has been broken. We don't deserve such a loving Savior. How can we expect Him to do that and offer nothing in return? He expects nothing of us but to give our lives in their entirety to Him- though it can be difficult at times, aren't the pains and agonies of the world worth an eternity with Him?

"Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart."
~Ecclesiastes 7:3

This verse is not saying that we should be sad all the time, but it gives another explanation as to why pain and suffering is present. Without it, we as human beings- fallable, sinful, disgusting, cold, and undeserving (fallable is everyone, sinful is everyone,undeserving is everyone, the rest- depends on your heart to an extent)- would rely on ourselves, we would not feel the need to have a relationship with our Savior (not saying that the only times we should ever go to Him are during the hard ones). If nothing were to ever go wrong, just think of how many other relationships never would have been formed- and those are with the people that we can see. God is not in literal sight, so how much more forgetful of Him would we be. The verse is saying that pain and suffering are good for the heart because they are supposed to give us another opportunity to see the Lord work, and they prove to us that we do need someone bigger. During those times we are able to see our Father as the stronghold He is in our lives; we get to see the might that is God- what a privilege. Our hearts should be drawn closer to the Lord, they should not grow farther from Him- we should rejoice in Him during those times because we have a hope that things will be better- and we rejoice in Him during those times as well for the good times that have already been.

Also, why is it that we can blame God for everything bad that happens- we can run around saying how horrible He is for allowing the garbage to pile on- but we don't want to give Him the credit when something amazing happens? Instead we are pompous, we allow our egos to inflate and we become self righteous- and yes, everyone does that at one point or another in their lives, some more than others, but it still happens; so don't think you are not a part of this category. Nothing we have accomplished, nothing that we have- our talents, our ability, our fame, our worth- NOTHING is of ourselves- it is all from and of God.

The next time you say 'why me?' think about how your situation will help someone else- hard times are blessings, not curses. Though you may be in pain for a time- you can help someone else cope and you can touch someone else's life through your tragedies, big and small- be excited for the tests, be excited for the learning experience, and be excited that God is going to do a good work both in and through you.

Offer hope to the hopeless, love to the unloved, joy to the joyless, and life to the dead. The trials are gifts in their own way- use and handle them wisely.

"As each has recieved a gift, use it to serve one another, as good steward's of God's varied grace".
~1 Peter 4:9

Does It Matter?

2007-10-02T00:05:00.001-04:00

Hold me up
My heart, put it back together
Gather the pieces
Hold them in your hands-
Not out of sight
Feel them-
Feel them beating?
Real- they are
Denial?
tired…
done…
alone…
defeated…

An Expression

2007-03-11T22:46:00.000-04:00

Its been four
And i'm graduating
Alone
everything sends me a little further down
everything makes me want to cry
the calls
or lack thereof
emptiness on both ends
pain in each heart
no emotion in their voice
wanting you back
wanting everyone to be happy
wanting things to be fine.. good...
better
wanting your fake hellos
wanting to make an idiot out of myself on your answering machine
wanting you back for just one day
thats a lie
come back forever

that will never happen

Doubt

2007-02-11T00:14:00.000-05:00

A pest
Proud
Decietful
Mocking
Laughing

Jumping at his destruction
Gleefully clapping his hands
Spinning in excitment
As he stares at the pain he has caused

Amused by his own trickery
Doing his best to stay alive
Thriving
Feeding
Hanging on his glory

Never runs
Stands his ground
Sticks around to see the misery
Pats himself on the back

Refuse to be ignored
Will not be snuffed out
Leaving a road with so many turns
Each so appealing...
Each reaking of his relatives
Once you reach it
Each without a reverse route

Victoriously raising his hands
Screaming with joy
Causing heartaches
Headaches
Failures